Obsessions

I have had much time to obsess lately. It has been the strangest kind of obsessing. It's not the "oh I must get that pair of shoes right now" variety of obsession. I have been obsessing on much larger things, and much smaller things, simultaneously. It is the beauty of having a lot of time.

I have been unemployed since January, so yes, plenty of time. It all started out as exercises in curiosity, really. One of the absolute evils of unemployment is the instant isolation it plunges one into. You suddenly find yourself living inside your head for the majority of the day, instead of conversing with coworkers. I became curious with the streams of anger and sadness I felt and thought. Pretty soon, I became obsessed with it, and I then became quite literally consumed by it.

I find I obsess like a scientist. Which is good for an artist.

My current list of obsessions:

1. My depression. The depression I fell into after losing my job was the worst I have experienced since September 11th, 2001. It took me out until probably two weeks ago, when the new meds started working their magic. I was obsessed with it in the most morose ways. I knew precisely what was happening. I could feel it deep down in my bones. I knew exactly what it was doing to my body and my psyche. I could not communicate with anyone, not even my therapist. Only meds and near-hospitalization were the answer. That is a frightening prospect.

2. Therapy and the Self-Help industry.

3. 9/11. I am not sure why I am just now beginning to obsess about this. Probably because I have more time on my hands to begin processing it. As a former resident of NYC on that day, it is a trauma I have only just begun to unpack....

4. Vertigo. It has totally fucked up my life.

5. Words. I find myself writing--all the time. The majority of my work right now is word-oriented. I am doing some drawing and weaving. But really, mostly words. Jenny Holzer is one of my heroines at the moment. The work by Doug Hall that just came down at Rena Bransten Gallery in SF was also great.

6. Loneliness. I am reading a book called "Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection" by John T. Cacioppo and William Patrick. It makes me want to board the next plane back to NYC immediately! At least I can feel like I am connected to 10 million people, if only just by walking down the street....